News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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