Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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