if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
