when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
