i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
