i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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