what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
