It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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