I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
