So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The best revenge is premature balding
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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