battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I fill condoms, not promises.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
