i just wanna soil my oats bro
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
