If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
