I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
