Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
