The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
