i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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