On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
