everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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