I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
