i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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