your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
