My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
