Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
