I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
