Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
