I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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