I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
