Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
