remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
