If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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