I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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