Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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