I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
