at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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