Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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