thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
