do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
me + whiskey = a bad person
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
