i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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