Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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