one might say we're banned from that church
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Can I color on your dick again?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
