I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
