Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
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