there's paper in my vomit.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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