Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You need Xanax blowdarts
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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