I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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