i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can I color on your dick again?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
