I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
