I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
