Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
