I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
