There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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