If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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