the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
